I don't want to make my story drag on and on... so I'm trying to make it fast and simple. I left off where I lost my husband. Time went on and of course this guy "Peter" keeps contact with me. We get back together all though he feels we never parted. Kinda hard to say when we truly weren't. So for me being with him again was an odd situation, I needed the communication and being wanted in my life.
He would pay for everything we did or where we went which was fine, except for the fact that he always wanted money back. He truly only cares about money. He has people he gets money from for himself and he thinks he's one of these people... a wannabe.
As time goes on he's still with his wife. They don't sleep together (even to this day) I know this because she calls and complains to him all the time. I don't know how a woman can be without sex for almost 8 years. But he said he did this for me because he loved me.
Meanwhile.. I'm the one who is lonely and sad while he lives his first life. I always tried to push myself away, but couldn't because he really makes me feel like I can't move on without him. And sometimes I think that's true.
When I first met him... we had talk history first... long talks for months. If we were to meet in public first like a bar or where ever, I wouldn't of even been attracted to him. But I loved the part of him that wanted to treat me like a queen. That I didn't deserve the physical abuse from my past. I wish I didn't fall for this .. I wish that my life wasn't such a horrid mess that I wasn't so vulnerable to believe in him.
Once he asked me to go some place for a few nights, but I had to pay also. IF I couldn't afford it (which what single mom of two teenagers could) then he would go with his wife. So instead of letting him go and say F'U. I lie to him.. telling him I do have the money and when I get to him to leave and tell him I don't he yells at me says he will take me but I must pay him back. WHY COULDN'T I JUST LEAVE AND LET IT GO... BECAUSE I'M A LONELY PITIFUL ASS... that's why. So I know I can't come up with the money and he knows in the back of his head I can't either but.. he takes me. So now ever since.. I'm this huge liar because he doesn't understand that I didn't want him to take his wife. He's suppose to be with me and on account of that from that day on he doesn't trust me for anything in my life. I am an honest person other than this one thing that I did. I have morals.. but my heart shows I am just a vulnerable person who can't take control of my heart nor my thoughts. He says my reason is just an excuse that it doesn't matter why I did it. It's just no reason for any excuse. So my head down and thinking all he says is real and as if he's god and set what's right and wrong. Deep down I was wrong for lying.. but I did it because I wanted to be wanted and not let go.
Okay so fast forward it is 8 years later and about a year ago he tells me hes not leaving his wife... okay so what. I don't need to be married. )Even though I do want to be married, but again pitful me will take what I can get. WHY??? I can't figure out. It's not like I'm ugly or huge or can't get anyone else. But it's at the moment all I know. Last week he takes me away for a night, I haven't seen him in all but once a month in the past year. Tells me he wants to be with his wife sexually because all she does is cry and think theres something wrong with her. Back a year... I told him I was going to tell her... but I really wasn't but it got to him and he put her on the phone and screamed just tell her tell her. Well I didn't need to tell her she knew. BUT then he tells me to go away and that him and her are going to have a baby in the future. Which he NEVER wants kids.. thats one of the reasons he didn't want to be with her. Hes too greedy and money hungry to have a baby. And that's the plain truth. So that really hurt my feelings even though it wasn't true and I told her I was at there house and that he doesnt sleep with her because he says he loves me and not her. Well.. let me tell you she was mad at me and not him... and he has cheated on her so many times before me it's not funny. But she's not going anywhere she has no friends and only parents. So her husband no matter what he does is her saint and she loves him. I guess for the same reason I stayed with him she does. BECAUSE WERE COMPLETE ASSES.
So now he comes up with that he doesn't want to leave me totally he needs to sleep with his wife because he cant take her crying and nagging. I tell him that I will NEVER be with him again if thats the case and further told him that I don't want to be his friend.. do not call me ever .. (he has a ex from his teenage years and he cant let her totally go and she cheated on him and he left her but makes sure he calls her twice a year Christmas and birthdays). I don't want to know what goes on in his life. IF he has kids with her.. or anything for that matter. Why would I care. It's just to further hurt me. But oh.. he's gracious and says well you can date if you want and if it comes to you sleeping with him then we can deal with the hurt and jealousy together. What is with that??????????
If I'm moving on I certainly don't want anything to do with him. But in the end the fact is that my life is changing dramatically and hopefully for the better and not the worse. I just want to have someone who truly loves me for me and not be shared with another. I know I deserve better than that. There is so many aspects of this that it just takes my breath away in a bad way. I was never this kind of woman. I regret all of it. I wish I could take it all away. I have for a long time but just couldn't . I'm happy he's taking this initiative and making me want out. But should he just move on scott free and live his live as if it was never changed ever????? That's what he wants.. rip my life away.. take my heart my mind and soul away from my being and let him have his old life... Where's my old life that he begged me to give up... he can't give that back. I don't know what to do. But this week I am seeing him for the last time. For me to scream yell ... and cry on what kind of a human being does this stuff to another. I have always been there for him.. through it all ... good and bad.. and for me he never did. We don't live close and I did all the traveling to see him. He would never come here ever... not for when my I needed support of my grandmother dying or ever when I was sick. Never.. but I stayed. I'm such an ass... its not funny. I'm not looking for sympathy at all with this, I'm just expressing my hurt my anger. I just don't know what to do. NOT that it would even make him budge on him saying he's sorry for ripping my soul apart he needs to know what he did and how bad and wrong it is. He doesn't deserve to live his life as if it was never changed and never cheated on his wife. For all the other woman they were one night stands or short terms. I believe for me being the way I am of not being with anyone sexual unless I have feelings for them that got him into me of who I was and a good person I am in many ways. If I jumped in the bed the minute or week I met him I know these 8 years wouldn't of existed. So I'm sorry to drag this on.. its not a short story and I feel odd by leaving it opened with no ending. This is just a sliver of what happened... there is so much more that I for whatever reason decided to keep this going. I can't anymore but in the same regard I am hurting and dreading him moving on and leaving me to rot. I won't rot.. I will be strong in time. I'm ready to move on and I want too. He never let me go to bars or any place with my friends.. because he was afraid I would leave him for another... for years I did nothing but live at his beck and call for what his faithfulness that he shuns his wife? NO.. I'm just in an uproar in my heart. I am ending this for now and I need to write about different things for a few days and will pick this back up when and if I need to. I just wish there was a time machine... anyone have one I can borrow?????
